Discernment Assignment 1
How will the diaconate formation program impact my personal identity?
My personal identity is something that has gone through a few iterations over the past ten years. My identity for most of my life has been one of brokenness, but that view evolved as I grew to know God. I began to see how loved I am in my brokenness, then I saw myself only as a sinner. My identity is now as a Beloved Child of God. It was after I came to that place where I began to identify other personal markers of my identity well. I can now also see myself as a husband, father, and educator. My brokenness and my negative view of myself were always holding me back from seeing who I am in the eyes of God.
I believe the changes God has in store for me going forward go beyond the metaphysical into the realm of action. I think it’s time to get to work. What that looks like is something that I am interested to see, but I know that will further evolve my identity. I expect that my current journey is towards Servant of God, or something along those lines. The deacon serves at mass and, “In his formal liturgical roles , the deacon brings the poor to the Church and the Church to the poor” (National Directory, 2005, p. 20, #37). This call to action is something that needs to grow in my life. Most of my time is spent working with students online, helping at my parish, and volunteering in a detached and hidden way. There is nothing wrong with having my volunteer work hidden; it demonstrates a strong value from the Gospel. I have skills and strengths that I can offer to people directly, so I need to move further out of my natural comfort zone into areas of direct contact with those in need.
How will I be able to measure my growth in becoming more of a servant?
It cannot merely be measured by activity. Activity is not a measure of service or holiness. Activity can reflect a level of pride and give the illusion of control. The true mark of a servant may be a synergy between all aspects of my life. The rule of Secular Franciscan Order describes this as “going from gospel to life and life to gospel” (Habig, 1998, p. 13, #4). There are many aspects of my life now that are good and can be point towards the life of a holy servant. I pray. I read scripture. I participate in the sacramental and liturgical life of the church. I volunteer. Many of these qualities are not intimately tied to one another. “The missionary efforts of the deacon will embrace the ministry of the word, the liturgy, and works of charity which, in their turn, are carried into daily life.” (National Directory, 2005, p. 2, #3) This unity between faith and service is something that is likely a lifelong struggle, but I can see it as a particular weakness in my formation right now. Until that unity gels better in my life, being a Servant of God will likely remain an unfulfilled image.
How will the diaconate formation program affect my family life?
Laurel and I are aware that the formation program is going to involve many sacrifices of our time. Scheduling activities may be more complicated, and we will likely have to decline invitations, but we agree that diaconate formation takes precedence. If it is God’s will that we stay in the program for the full six years, it will cause grief and/or stress during times with our kids. We may have to ask for help from friends and family. The boys may not be able to do some activities that they want to do. That would be hard on them, and I am not sure if they understand that fact yet. I can tell them, but until it happens, they are not going to get it. Besides telling them that it may happen, I think my formation will help me to set an example here. I am being formed to “serve God’s People by their witness to the gospel value of sacrificial love, a quality of life too easily dismissed in today’s society” (National Directory, 2005, p. 17, #30).
One fruit of this formation should be a personal growth in holiness. Formation should make me a better husband and father. The National Directory sets a high bar for the maturity of a deacon in that it that “presupposes… the victorious struggle against their own selfishness” (National Directory, 2005, p. 52, #108). That statement caught me off guard, as our selfishness is a result of our fallen nature. Victory there is too definitive of a term for me to realistically envision, although John reminds me to have faith since “the victory that conquers the world is our faith” (NABRE, 1 John 5:4).
Even though there will be struggles and sacrifices will need to be made, I hope that the formation process molds me into a better man for my family. Someone that Laurel knows has his love and support. Someone that John and Matthew can rely upon and emulate as their mature into the men God has in mind for them. That is kind of funny to think about because I am still trying to mature into the man God wants me to be. Maybe they can see from me that this struggle is a lifetime journey.
Sources
Habig, M. A. (1998). Secular Franciscan companion. Quincy, IL: Franciscan Press.
National directory for the formation, ministry, and life of permanent deacons in the United States. (2005). Washington, D.C.: United States Conference of Catholic Bishops.
New American Bible. (2011). Washington, DC: The United States Conference of Catholic Bishops.