Discernment Assignment 6
I have found this month’s reading assignment and reflection to be the most difficult. The difficulty level of the book would have been enough by itself to earn this distinction. On top of that, the topic is personal and this reflection required me to discuss this topic with my wife. I found it difficult to try to describe such difficult reading material to Laurel when I think I could spend another couple months in this book trying to fully engage with this book. This topic was also one where neither of us have much experience, so we decided to look for some outside resources on the topic of Theology of the Body (ToB). This provided a better starting point for us to discuss our relationship in terms of this topic.
This reflection is not supposed to be about the strength of our marriage, but about the reflection of Christ’s love for his bride within our marriage. I think a quick discussion about the state of our marriage is appropriate, given the relationship required for love. “Love, as has been said, is conditioned by the common relation of persons to the same good that they choose as an end and to which they subordinate themselves” (Woktyla, Loc 473). Laurel and I found the last formation session’s time for couple discussion a confirmation of the open and honest communication we have in our marriage. This communication and knowledge of each other is one of the reasons we agreed that seeking some other materials on ToB would be appropriate. I get too wrapped up in my head on these sorts of deep topics, which prevents me from describing them well. This is obviously something that I need to keep in mind during formation if I am ever to give a decent homily.
Comparing this view of our marriage with the relationship between Christ and his bride, the Church, our marriage fares well in this comparison. While I have no doubt in Christ’s fidelity to the Church, the Church has been less than perfect in that relationship. I believe that this could be related to a lack of open communication (prayer) between members of the Church and Christ.
The initial topic of this reflection is supposed to be how our marriage reflects the love of Christ for his church. In this light, as in all things when compared to God, our fallen nature falls short. We argue about small things on occasion. According to research, this is actually a good thing for our marriage. There are actually equations that show this fact (Fry, 13:57). These arguments are not always charitable in nature. That is a fact that make me sad every time it happens. I expect this to improve as we both continue to mature.
An area of love that St John Paul II mentioned that was interesting and challenging to me was the area of affective love. Seeing our beloved as something other than they are harms their dignity and our marriage. I expect it is also something that takes place frequently, especially in our society. Laurel is not June Cleaver and I am not Ward Cleaver. If either of us were to try to view each other through these idealized lenses, it is impossible not to be disappointed. Laurel can be described by many names (wife, mother, daughter), but none of those are exactly what she is. “Both a woman and a man may be disillusioned by the fact that the values attributed to the beloved person turn out to be fiction” (Woktyla, Loc 1802). She is a unique person with all the dignity and uniqueness that God bestowed on her when he created her. I can fall into the trap of seeing her as “wife”, or “woman”, or even “beloved”, but none of those capture who she is. The best term any person can use to describe another is “beloved child of God”, but even that can feel over generalized.
“Can a person give himself to another person? After all it was stated that every person by his essence is nontransferable” (Woktyla, Loc 1511). I will never be able to give myself to Laurel in the totality and charity in which Christ gives himself to us constantly. Many of these comparisons are not fair to our marriage, or any marriage in fact. Even the marriage of our Blessed Mother Mary and St Joseph falls short of any of these measuring posts. Is there a more charitable way of viewing our relationship in relation to such a perfect giving? Only when we realize that marriage is not only a relationship of humans. Our marriage is a sacrament, and thus a visible sign of God’s grace in this world. Our marriage has allowed Laurel and I to share in God’s act of creation through the birth of our two sons. We are constantly refining each other in order to sanctify our lives and our souls. (I am in need of much more refinement than her). Our marriage is not perfect, but it is a means by which we bring God’s love into the world. We can fall into the trap of comparing our marriage or each other to outside influences, but our marriage brings us both closer to God. One day, we hope to share eternity together in an even more perfect union with God in heaven.
Sources
Fry, Hannah. The mathematics of love. TED Talk. https://youtu.be/yFVXsjVdvmY
Woktyla, Karol. Love and Responsibility .Pauline Books and Media. Kindle Edition.